It's 9:36 and class starts in 24 minutes. I'm 30 minutes away, in my yoga clothes sitting in my bed, next to my lies my sleeping baby, arms out out wide and hopefully dreaming of something sweet. We had every intention of going to yoga, spending 90 minutes in the hot room, but as I picked Miles up out of his crib I looked outside and realized that that tornado warning might be real and I better just stay home.
Oh, by the way, right after I wrote my last blog, the one about the longest spine twist, I had a baby. On February 26, 2013 an amazing thing happened. I became a mom to the most adorable little boy, and for three months, instead of writing I have just been cherishing every moment with this guy. Miles is 3 and 1/2 months old now, 17 pounds and is by far the best thing I have ever done!
So anyway back to me not getting to yoga. It's funny, I'm not even all that disappointed. Don't get me wrong I still love getting into that hot room, and too many days away from it I can start to feel my skin crawl, begging me to get back. But these days yoga isn't about me any more. It's not about standing there, feet together nicely, toes on the line, it is more about staying very present during every moment in my life, not worrying about the places that I'm not but getting the most out of the where ever I am at any given moment.
Today I am in bed, with a sleeping baby and two pups, there is raining falling down in sheets outside my window and the prospect of me getting to yoga is slim to none. So since I can't write about my practice today (which I never do anyway) I can only tell you how being a mom has changed yoga for me.
Well being a mom and doing yoga...well the two don't mix, I never get to go! Oh wait that's not true. They do mix and they compliment each other making me both a better yogi and a better mommy! It is true that I only get to do yoga 2-4 times a week and sometimes 0 times but never any more, and it is true that I miss going 7 days a week and feeling "hard core" with my yoga practice, but being a mom has changed my practice and my outlook on what it means to do yoga.
So after having a 9.7lbs baby, I had to take 5 weeks off. I would do a few back bends and a little bit of the standing series once in a while during those first five weeks, but for the most part I just concentrated on my little guy. When I finally made it back to the hot room, I was happily surprised to find that I could breath! Pranayama wasn't soooo hard for me any more and the heat didn't scare me. To my dismay I found that back bends were hard, I couldn't lock my needs in Pada-hastasana ( my mother in law is probably happy to know that my Japanese Ham sandwich was a bit soggy for a few weeks) and forget about the spine strengthening series. Full Locust is IMPOSSIBLE!!!!! The amazing thing was how calm I felt. For ninety minutes, I went into and out of asana's with a still mind. My busy busy new life that I was figuring out the other 22 and a 1/2 hours of each day didn't exist during my practice. It was just me and my new body and my breath. Class felt unbelievably good.
Oh and let's talk about this new body. This new inflexible, soft, a bit wider, and a lot tighter (and not tight in the good way) body. For the first few weeks after Miles was born, it was amazing how new and different my body was. It looked different, it felt different but for the FIRST time in my life I not only accepted this body, I fell in love with it. I even remember coming out of the bath room one day, just to tell my husband "Alex, don't tell anyone, but I secretly have never felt better about myself" This coming from a girl who STILL can't button most of her jeans, and has refused to buy new pants in three years. I was just so amazed at myself, the fact that I had grown a life for nine months, I delivered a baby (which is the HARDEST thing I have ever done) and how natural it felt to be his mom. Not to mention the fact that my body produced everything that my baby needed, and it was because of me and my husband that he was here with us live and in person.
Being a mom and doing yoga is similar in that way. No matter how many flaws you might believe you have, being a mom and being a yogi shows you how perfect your body truly is, because only a strong and healthy body can sustain being both.
Being a mommy yogini, I appreciate my yoga so much more. The days I get to go are gifts, I don't care who the teacher is or what studio I am able to get to, my practice is mine. It's not about the room any more, or the teacher, the heat or even how many times I fall out of my postures. It's about the ninety minutes that I do something to take care of myself.
Oh and it feels so good. It is amazing how much of my mommy life is spent hunched over. Hunched over his crib, hunched over his changing table, shoulders forward as I nurse him to sleep, hunched over his play mat, by the end of the first week of being a mom my back was killing me and yoga, as much as it hurt and as difficult as those backbends were, felt like a full body massage a really hard, kinda make it hurt, full body massage and I needed it...bad!
So let's see, being a mom changed my yoga...
1. I don't get to go very often, but when I do I APPRECIATE it
2. My body is tighter, softer and wider...but I LOVE it more
3. And all those hours of forward bends and back aches...my yoga gives me RELIEF
And how has yoga helped me be a better mom...well...baby is crying! I gots to go...
Much love to you all!
Hope to see you in a hot room someday very soon!!!!
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Longest Spine Twist....a warning I may or may not drop the F bomb
The second day of Teacher Training Jim Kallet taught. Jim had been introduced to us on the first day, he helps with the writing of Bikram's books, he gives lectures during training, he owns a notoriously hot yoga studio in San Diego and he has a surprising tattoo that runs up and down the entire backside of his body. Jim taught on the second day of training and I loved his class. He was knowledgable, he was funny, he was hard and he got me through my third class. Every time he did, I was excited to see him take the podium, because at teacher training you never knew what you were going to get, and you only hoped it was going to be someone to get you through.
Then week 6 happened, this is the middle of training, your body is exhausted your mind is full and there is not much left of you that doesn't hurt. Not to mention you haven't slept in 6 weeks. Jim Kallet took the podium once again. Now as much as I loved this guy, the man could talk...and talk...and talk...and this day, this class, Jim had a lot to say. It was a hot class. I was in row 10, standing dead center, in front of the heater, behind 500 other sweating yogis. This was the class where I died. You know what I'm talking about, your breathing becomes difficult in Pranayama, your heart starts racing as soon as you put your arms above your head and you think to your self, "shit, I have 85 more minutes of this" I never left the room at training, and after the first day, I never sat out another pose, this class tested me on every level. Physically, I had to stay on my feet, mentally, I had to stay with my breath and emotionally, I had to do everything I could not to burst into tears. But hey man, if I can survive a class like this, what can't I survive. I remember getting to Spine Twist. The final posture of our 26 and 2. Jim was going on and on and on, probably about the benefits or maybe something a little bit deeper, I'm not sure cause my mind was a skipping CD " Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, please God shut the fuck up" I needed to get out of the room and I needed this man, whom I had grown to love deeply to simply shut the fuck up! The pose seemed to go on forever and as much as I pleaded, Jim kept on going.
This is the final week of pregnancy, you have spent 9 months (not so different from 90 minutes in a hot room or 9 weeks at teacher training, see a pattern) waiting, falling in love, learning about all of the things your body is capable of doing. You have spent 9 months accepting all of things you can't control, how your body feels on a given day, the aches, the pains, the hard days, the amazing days, the days when you can't stop crying and the days you feel like super man. You have fallen in love with that little peanut on the inside but during week 40 your skipping cd of a mind has one thought "come the fuck out, come the fuck out, please God come the fuck out!" Don't get me wrong, I love this little guy and I will host him for as long as he wants to live on the inside and I will take good good care of him, but that is not to say that the waiting for labor is not absolute torture. It is the world's longest Spine Twist. You have done every thing, you have gotten over all of the humps and the hard moments and you are ready to enjoy that big, scrumptious glass of Red Wine, I mean water...after yoga you drink water! So what can you do? What do you do in class, when the end is near, you can feel the fresh air that is pressing in from the outside, but the teacher just won't stop teaching, what can you possibly do?
Well, my friend, that is why we do the yoga. That is why we have long, hard, hot classes that test us in every possible way. So that when you are nine months pregnant, your bladder is constantly full, the cramps on your inner thighs make it difficult to do all the walking every one reminds you you should be doing, you remember that every moment you are in the room, all ninety minutes of hard work only make the other 22 and 1/2 hours you have outside of the room better. Each moment you spend suffering in the hot room is another moment you get to enjoy of life on the outside. So as I sit here, only one day late, which means I could quite possibly have 9 more days as a pregnant woman, I have to remember that what I'm doing here is great. That this hard hard work ends with an amazing reward, a perfect little baby boy. Every moment he has on the inside is another chance to make him stronger for life on the outside! So patience my friends. Yoga is a practice in patience. You know it is, you hear it all the time Patience, Self-control, Concentration, Faith, and Determination. In the mean time, as I wait and wait and wait, it is another day I get to go take a yoga class, another day I get to eat a brownie with out too much guilt and another day that I make my little man a little bit stronger, with just a bit of patience! But with that in mind, let's say it together "please come the fuck out!!!!"
Namaste and Much love to you all,
M & M ( we are still one)
Oh and don't forget that this week is National Eating Disorder week. Try going a day with out make up, I know I probably won't, but if you feel up to it, try it and embrace your natural beauty. Say something kind to yourself and do something extra special to show your self just how amazing you really are. I know what you could do! Go take a yoga class!!! There is nothing better you can do for yourself!!!!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
February 24....
Did you know that February 24 is the start of National Eating Disorder week this year. I didn't until just a few minutes ago, Facebook told me. Thank goodness for Facebook... Anyway, I had this subtle rush come over me as I read that this year on February 24, the Nation will kick off a week to acknowledge the struggle people have with this addiction, where ever it might come from. I felt empowered. Why you ask? Well, February 24 is my due date, which is a pretty amazing in and of it self, but for me, the culmination of my pregnancy is not just about how my life is about to change, but it also marks how far my life has come in just a few short years.
Flash back 5 years ago, before yoga, before Alex, before pizza. I am sitting in a therapist office, most likely running down a list of reasons why I can't agree to my nutritionist's challenge to eat a slice of pizza before the week is out. I'm probably going over and over why eating as little as I do just works for me and how being a healthy version of myself scares me just as much as being a fat version of myself. My therapist plays this card a lot, "you want children one day don't you?" she knows, that my whole life, it is what I've wanted to be a "soccer mom, with a mini van" "yes of course I want babies, lots of them, but I don't think it's going to happen for me anyway" My therapist, let's call her Anastasia for today, stresses to me that only a healthy woman will be able to give life to a new baby. Anastasia explains that every time I want to use my symptoms, every time I want to go back to my old ways, stop eating, let my self become invisible again I need to imagine my child. This got me. I wanted to be a good mom to that unborn baby and I could only be a good mom to someone else when I started to be a good person to myself. So, I didn't eat the pizza, but I did work really hard to sort myself out and fight against all of my demons, all the voices that told me I wasn't worthy enough to be healthy and I found a path to health.
My path was a long one, windy, difficult and included a lot of talks with my nutritionist, aka my Jewish mamma, and Anastasia, and a LOT of yoga! A whole lot of yoga. My health and my life became a bit more complete when I met Alex. I fell in love with him and the way that he loved me and I wanted to be a better person for him. He inspired me to find a passion and give up comforts of easy life to follow dreams. My dreams happened to take me into the hot room over and over again which in return helps me to stay healthy.
So anyway, flash forward to this moment, right now. I just got home from teaching a class, such a great class, a quiet class with seven strong yogis, I'm sitting on my couch sandwiched between my two pups and have my laptop resting against my tremendous bump. I'm a healthy, fat version of myself, but I have to be honest with you. I love the kind of fat I am today. I've got a baby inside of me, I am a healthy woman who has been able to carry this baby for 39 weeks and in just a few more days I will welcome my baby boy into my world. So on February 24 I will celebrate the birth of my baby boy, and to be honest with you, that is probably all I will be thinking about, but today, as I look forward to that day I will celebrate all the people that have made me a strong person today, I will celebrate my self, for having the courage to face myself, to face my fears and conquer them. I will celebrate the love that I have that has inspired me to continue to be better and I will celebrate all of the people out there struggling really hard to figure it all out, to overcome there own addictions and fears especially those with eating disorders. It's a tough one, a really hard thing to overcome, and I'm not sure if we ever really completely do, but I do know life outside of the eating disorder is really good. Life is good, and when you can find the good, it can only get better!
So if you think of it, on February 24 do something kind for yourself, in honor of National Eating Disorder week. Spend a moment to find something you love about yourself and acknowledge it. Remember your body is this perfectly amazing machine ( I say this in my yoga class all the time, if you want to hear it...COME TAKE A CLASS) your body knows what to do, stop fighting it and let it do it's job. Become the best version of yourself!
Oh and keep me and my baby boy in your thoughts, our bags are packed and I am ready to go! Can't wait to see his little face!!!!
Much Love to you,
Namaste
Molly
Flash back 5 years ago, before yoga, before Alex, before pizza. I am sitting in a therapist office, most likely running down a list of reasons why I can't agree to my nutritionist's challenge to eat a slice of pizza before the week is out. I'm probably going over and over why eating as little as I do just works for me and how being a healthy version of myself scares me just as much as being a fat version of myself. My therapist plays this card a lot, "you want children one day don't you?" she knows, that my whole life, it is what I've wanted to be a "soccer mom, with a mini van" "yes of course I want babies, lots of them, but I don't think it's going to happen for me anyway" My therapist, let's call her Anastasia for today, stresses to me that only a healthy woman will be able to give life to a new baby. Anastasia explains that every time I want to use my symptoms, every time I want to go back to my old ways, stop eating, let my self become invisible again I need to imagine my child. This got me. I wanted to be a good mom to that unborn baby and I could only be a good mom to someone else when I started to be a good person to myself. So, I didn't eat the pizza, but I did work really hard to sort myself out and fight against all of my demons, all the voices that told me I wasn't worthy enough to be healthy and I found a path to health.
My path was a long one, windy, difficult and included a lot of talks with my nutritionist, aka my Jewish mamma, and Anastasia, and a LOT of yoga! A whole lot of yoga. My health and my life became a bit more complete when I met Alex. I fell in love with him and the way that he loved me and I wanted to be a better person for him. He inspired me to find a passion and give up comforts of easy life to follow dreams. My dreams happened to take me into the hot room over and over again which in return helps me to stay healthy.
So anyway, flash forward to this moment, right now. I just got home from teaching a class, such a great class, a quiet class with seven strong yogis, I'm sitting on my couch sandwiched between my two pups and have my laptop resting against my tremendous bump. I'm a healthy, fat version of myself, but I have to be honest with you. I love the kind of fat I am today. I've got a baby inside of me, I am a healthy woman who has been able to carry this baby for 39 weeks and in just a few more days I will welcome my baby boy into my world. So on February 24 I will celebrate the birth of my baby boy, and to be honest with you, that is probably all I will be thinking about, but today, as I look forward to that day I will celebrate all the people that have made me a strong person today, I will celebrate my self, for having the courage to face myself, to face my fears and conquer them. I will celebrate the love that I have that has inspired me to continue to be better and I will celebrate all of the people out there struggling really hard to figure it all out, to overcome there own addictions and fears especially those with eating disorders. It's a tough one, a really hard thing to overcome, and I'm not sure if we ever really completely do, but I do know life outside of the eating disorder is really good. Life is good, and when you can find the good, it can only get better!
So if you think of it, on February 24 do something kind for yourself, in honor of National Eating Disorder week. Spend a moment to find something you love about yourself and acknowledge it. Remember your body is this perfectly amazing machine ( I say this in my yoga class all the time, if you want to hear it...COME TAKE A CLASS) your body knows what to do, stop fighting it and let it do it's job. Become the best version of yourself!
Oh and keep me and my baby boy in your thoughts, our bags are packed and I am ready to go! Can't wait to see his little face!!!!
Much Love to you,
Namaste
Molly
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
A new post...finally.... a new practice
Where the hell have I been? It's been ages since I've written! I've thought about it, it's crossed my mind to sit down, I thought about titles for new posts and topics for discussion, but the truth of the matter is I never sat down at my computer, opened up my good ole blog and started to type. Shame on me! So here I am! A new woman, Mrs. Mitnick and 8 and a half months pregnant! Talk about being busy!
In the past 9 months I have been a busy busy gal. I have been teaching yoga, 12 classes a week, practicing yoga 5 to 6 times a week, becoming a wife, becoming an aunt, forgetting how to cook, learning to eat pizza and ice cream and oh that's right making a baby. He is about ripe and ready to become the world's newest yogi, musician, genius....or what ever my little baby boy might want to be, let's be honest, hopefully he is good with numbers and is interested in, oh I don't know becoming a private investor/ stock broker/ someone that makes money.
So I taught a class tonight, not much different from any other Tuesday night, but as I get bigger and bigger stepping in front of the mirror get's harder and harder. Not only because of my ever growing waste line, but also because I'm f-ing exhausted and there is a foot in my ribs making it difficult to breath when the room is a little too humid! Today was a lazy day, and I was feeling super tired as I unlocked the door to the studio, but as I took my place on the podium, my energy came back and I remembered why I keep on keeping on, it's because I love what I do and even the hard days as a yoga teacher are pretty amazing days!'
So today student O stood in front of me, a little to the left. He has been going non stop for over a year now. He takes more classes than there are days in the week, and as I watch him day after day I'm noticing him getting more and more tired. And I get him. I totally get it, it's the thing in his life that feels good. He is good at this. He is good at taking lots and lots of classes, but I also get that one of the beautiful things about yoga is, that the real yoga happens when your not in the room.
Bikram teaches you 26 basic yoga asanas. It teaches you how to be still in the midst of discomfort, and it teaches you the importance of checking your ego at the door. Sometimes the best thing you can do, is take it easy, skip a posture, skip a class, hell, skip a week so that when you come back you are stronger and you are doing more of the yoga more correctly rather than to much yoga asana incorrectly. I thought about myself, in fact some one even asked me tonight "how are you going to manage to take 6 weeks off" my response "let's see if I actually do?"
Since I have been pregnant my yoga has been an experiment. In the beginning I thought I was going to be uber flexible and able to become a yoga champion with a bowling ball in my gut, then reality set in, and Pranayama became really hard, and then I had super strong days, and then I had to sit down, leave the room, cry a bit, skip a week, eat too much before class and throw up a little in standing separate leg stretching pose, open a window, buy bigger shorts, cry a bit more, have the best standing bow of my life, the worst standing bow of my life and completely give up on ever touching my forehead to my knee. The bottom line is, I had to check my ego at the door. I had to take my yoga day by day and I had to learn to take my new body day by day. That has been my practice for the past nine months. Learning to let go of all of the assumptions and expectations I had for my self. I'm doing my best every day, that's all I can ask inside and out side of the room. That's what I preach to student O all the time, to all of my students "hear what you can, do what you can and have a little bit of fun"
So let's start a new chapter, yoga inside and outside of the room. Yoga as a mom, my toughest classes at teacher training have only started to prepare me for what's in store, but I am positive that those weeks I spent training to be a teacher, these years I have spent pushing myself through the hottest, sweatiest classes have taught me that I'm a lot stronger than I think I am and I am capable of anything. This yoga makes me bullet proof, sex proof, money proof and when I can let go of all of my attachments to who I was before I was mom and forget about judging who I might become I can get through this tough one too. So let's get started. Toes on the line! I'm all in.
Oh and I'll try to be better about keeping you guys up to speed too. I know it's so hard when you don't hear from me! Keep breathing you guys! Breathing in I calm my self, breathing out I smile.
Namaste
Molly and my soon to be little man!
P.S. a special shout out to my sister tonight, Lyla Jane was born just over 6 weeks ago, you have shown me how strong you are, what an amazing woman you are and what it means to be a new mom! If we were in the hot room, you would be in the front row, showing us all how to get through the hard days with a happy smiling face, english bull dog determination, and the strength of a bengal tiger!
In the past 9 months I have been a busy busy gal. I have been teaching yoga, 12 classes a week, practicing yoga 5 to 6 times a week, becoming a wife, becoming an aunt, forgetting how to cook, learning to eat pizza and ice cream and oh that's right making a baby. He is about ripe and ready to become the world's newest yogi, musician, genius....or what ever my little baby boy might want to be, let's be honest, hopefully he is good with numbers and is interested in, oh I don't know becoming a private investor/ stock broker/ someone that makes money.
So I taught a class tonight, not much different from any other Tuesday night, but as I get bigger and bigger stepping in front of the mirror get's harder and harder. Not only because of my ever growing waste line, but also because I'm f-ing exhausted and there is a foot in my ribs making it difficult to breath when the room is a little too humid! Today was a lazy day, and I was feeling super tired as I unlocked the door to the studio, but as I took my place on the podium, my energy came back and I remembered why I keep on keeping on, it's because I love what I do and even the hard days as a yoga teacher are pretty amazing days!'
So today student O stood in front of me, a little to the left. He has been going non stop for over a year now. He takes more classes than there are days in the week, and as I watch him day after day I'm noticing him getting more and more tired. And I get him. I totally get it, it's the thing in his life that feels good. He is good at this. He is good at taking lots and lots of classes, but I also get that one of the beautiful things about yoga is, that the real yoga happens when your not in the room.
Bikram teaches you 26 basic yoga asanas. It teaches you how to be still in the midst of discomfort, and it teaches you the importance of checking your ego at the door. Sometimes the best thing you can do, is take it easy, skip a posture, skip a class, hell, skip a week so that when you come back you are stronger and you are doing more of the yoga more correctly rather than to much yoga asana incorrectly. I thought about myself, in fact some one even asked me tonight "how are you going to manage to take 6 weeks off" my response "let's see if I actually do?"
Since I have been pregnant my yoga has been an experiment. In the beginning I thought I was going to be uber flexible and able to become a yoga champion with a bowling ball in my gut, then reality set in, and Pranayama became really hard, and then I had super strong days, and then I had to sit down, leave the room, cry a bit, skip a week, eat too much before class and throw up a little in standing separate leg stretching pose, open a window, buy bigger shorts, cry a bit more, have the best standing bow of my life, the worst standing bow of my life and completely give up on ever touching my forehead to my knee. The bottom line is, I had to check my ego at the door. I had to take my yoga day by day and I had to learn to take my new body day by day. That has been my practice for the past nine months. Learning to let go of all of the assumptions and expectations I had for my self. I'm doing my best every day, that's all I can ask inside and out side of the room. That's what I preach to student O all the time, to all of my students "hear what you can, do what you can and have a little bit of fun"
So let's start a new chapter, yoga inside and outside of the room. Yoga as a mom, my toughest classes at teacher training have only started to prepare me for what's in store, but I am positive that those weeks I spent training to be a teacher, these years I have spent pushing myself through the hottest, sweatiest classes have taught me that I'm a lot stronger than I think I am and I am capable of anything. This yoga makes me bullet proof, sex proof, money proof and when I can let go of all of my attachments to who I was before I was mom and forget about judging who I might become I can get through this tough one too. So let's get started. Toes on the line! I'm all in.
Oh and I'll try to be better about keeping you guys up to speed too. I know it's so hard when you don't hear from me! Keep breathing you guys! Breathing in I calm my self, breathing out I smile.
Namaste
Molly and my soon to be little man!
P.S. a special shout out to my sister tonight, Lyla Jane was born just over 6 weeks ago, you have shown me how strong you are, what an amazing woman you are and what it means to be a new mom! If we were in the hot room, you would be in the front row, showing us all how to get through the hard days with a happy smiling face, english bull dog determination, and the strength of a bengal tiger!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
One week down...51 to go...
Hello dedicated readers! Previously on last weeks episode...I mean blog, I wrote about being kind to your self. I made a promise to myself to be nice for one whole week. To not deprive myself, to not be mean and to try something new...so hmmm how did I do??? Well... Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday I woke up singing! Declaring to my fiance that waking up singing is the best way to wake up and that "I LOVE today!" And then 5:00 hit, I ran out of gas, I had to get to work and I started being mean, I could feel it creeping in, I tried to avoid it but it came out, I was distracted, I was grumpy and yes, I was weepy. But then something happened...
A woman came into the yoga studio with her 15 year old daughter. The girl was beautiful, a perfect little fifteen, healthy, young lady. "Hi, I want to sign my daughter up for your class, will this help her lose some weight, she wants to model and her agent wants her to lose weight here (pointing to her inner thigh) and here ( pointing to her waist)" My heart sank.
" Well, this yoga brings you back to normal" was the beginning of my response. "If you are underweight it will bring you up if you are over weight down, if you are healthy it will keep you there" The woman looked at me puzzled. "I can't tell you that this yoga is going to help this young lady lose weight, she looks perfectly beautiful to me." The mother's eyes glazed over, "Oh, um, well, how long have you been doing this." four years, I started when I got the word from my DR. that I was allowed to do physical activity again. "four years" I said. "Can you stand up?" THE AUDACITY! This woman, wanted me to stand up so she could check me out! My jaw dropped!
" I will not stand up and show you what I look like, the yoga has nothing to do with what I look like. It is a meditation, a mental discipline it's not about what you look like it's about being healthy, mentally, physically and emotionally" The woman looked disappointed. "oh....ok...well we'll sign J- up for the intro week then, maybe it will help with her homework...but umm...it's not going to make her bigger right?"
And there it was, my karma, my work coming into my life right at that moment. Bringing peace, sense of self, health and self worth into peoples lives. One yoga class at a time... well ok maybe that's a bit much, but really. This is what I'm doing. I'm working to bring health, self worth and peace into people's lives. This is my yoga, my karma yoga.
I taught 15 classes last week. Each class was different, I taught according to the needs of the class. Some needed some tough love, while others needed a little more kindness a little more stillness each class was taught with love and the intention to make people learn something new about themselves. That's what it is, that's why we do this yoga to learn about ourselves and to learn to deal with ourselves and to find joy in who we are. The class that J- took, I taught about health. About the body's ability to give you what you need as long as you take care of it. I talked about how by taking care of and listening to your body, you begin to be able to understand your mind, and when the two things come together is when we find peace within ourselves. When we stop fighting.
When I went home, I fell back into my pattern. I spilled some gas and I started to cry, called my self an idiot and completely forgot my promise to myself. I woke up the next day and I decided, I can't let one day set me back, I had made a promise, so Friday was going to be a good day and I was going to be kind all day long. I wonder...can I do this for 365 days, be nice to myself each and every day? What will the out come be? Will I have more days where I wake up singing rather than weepy and grumpy? Hmmm....it's worth a try...so how about this? I'm going to try for 365 days to be kind to myself. To say something nice about me or my world every day, to smile at people, act out of love and continue to feed my soul rather than deprive my body. I know there will be some ugly moments, there always are, but through yoga we learn to breath through it.
Iyengar says " The mind is the kingdom of the senses and the breath is the kingdom of the breath" If we have control over our breath, something bad happens and we continue to breath, deep breath in, deep breath out, then we have control over our senses. When we feel, we don't have to react without thinking, we breath through it and choose to not react. How about that! It's just like we say in class....life is still difficult, we just get more at ease with how difficult it is. So the next time the gas tank empties, I split a pair of pants, or get another bill, I can choose to breath through it rather than reacting, placing blame and fighting. 365 days, being nice to myself...breathing through it. Who's with me?
A woman came into the yoga studio with her 15 year old daughter. The girl was beautiful, a perfect little fifteen, healthy, young lady. "Hi, I want to sign my daughter up for your class, will this help her lose some weight, she wants to model and her agent wants her to lose weight here (pointing to her inner thigh) and here ( pointing to her waist)" My heart sank.
" Well, this yoga brings you back to normal" was the beginning of my response. "If you are underweight it will bring you up if you are over weight down, if you are healthy it will keep you there" The woman looked at me puzzled. "I can't tell you that this yoga is going to help this young lady lose weight, she looks perfectly beautiful to me." The mother's eyes glazed over, "Oh, um, well, how long have you been doing this." four years, I started when I got the word from my DR. that I was allowed to do physical activity again. "four years" I said. "Can you stand up?" THE AUDACITY! This woman, wanted me to stand up so she could check me out! My jaw dropped!
" I will not stand up and show you what I look like, the yoga has nothing to do with what I look like. It is a meditation, a mental discipline it's not about what you look like it's about being healthy, mentally, physically and emotionally" The woman looked disappointed. "oh....ok...well we'll sign J- up for the intro week then, maybe it will help with her homework...but umm...it's not going to make her bigger right?"
And there it was, my karma, my work coming into my life right at that moment. Bringing peace, sense of self, health and self worth into peoples lives. One yoga class at a time... well ok maybe that's a bit much, but really. This is what I'm doing. I'm working to bring health, self worth and peace into people's lives. This is my yoga, my karma yoga.
I taught 15 classes last week. Each class was different, I taught according to the needs of the class. Some needed some tough love, while others needed a little more kindness a little more stillness each class was taught with love and the intention to make people learn something new about themselves. That's what it is, that's why we do this yoga to learn about ourselves and to learn to deal with ourselves and to find joy in who we are. The class that J- took, I taught about health. About the body's ability to give you what you need as long as you take care of it. I talked about how by taking care of and listening to your body, you begin to be able to understand your mind, and when the two things come together is when we find peace within ourselves. When we stop fighting.
When I went home, I fell back into my pattern. I spilled some gas and I started to cry, called my self an idiot and completely forgot my promise to myself. I woke up the next day and I decided, I can't let one day set me back, I had made a promise, so Friday was going to be a good day and I was going to be kind all day long. I wonder...can I do this for 365 days, be nice to myself each and every day? What will the out come be? Will I have more days where I wake up singing rather than weepy and grumpy? Hmmm....it's worth a try...so how about this? I'm going to try for 365 days to be kind to myself. To say something nice about me or my world every day, to smile at people, act out of love and continue to feed my soul rather than deprive my body. I know there will be some ugly moments, there always are, but through yoga we learn to breath through it.
Iyengar says " The mind is the kingdom of the senses and the breath is the kingdom of the breath" If we have control over our breath, something bad happens and we continue to breath, deep breath in, deep breath out, then we have control over our senses. When we feel, we don't have to react without thinking, we breath through it and choose to not react. How about that! It's just like we say in class....life is still difficult, we just get more at ease with how difficult it is. So the next time the gas tank empties, I split a pair of pants, or get another bill, I can choose to breath through it rather than reacting, placing blame and fighting. 365 days, being nice to myself...breathing through it. Who's with me?
Monday, February 27, 2012
Isn't Ironic....
Isn't it ironic...
that today, February 27, 2012 marks the first day of Eating Disorder Awareness week, when last night as I stepped into the shower I had a rush over me. Now this rush isn't uncommon, the "Oh my god, I hate my body," rush, that sends me into a muscle spasm. My body just tenses up and it's a bit hard for me to breath for a few moments. I'm lucky it can only lasts a few moments, before I'm wrapped up in the arms of the man I love and I remember why I am where I am to begin with.
So I know, it's been a while since I have written, but I felt like today was a good day for me to start again. I've been teaching for a while, almost a year in fact, and I as much as I am enjoying teaching, I am even more enjoying learning more and more about myself. I think to understand what I have learned you have to know a bit of where I am came from.
So hear it is....I struggled with an eating disorder... for a really long time, it was ugly and scary and my best friend all at the same time. In 2007, my body gave up on me and I had to make a change. With some help, a lot of time, a lot of determination, a lot of tears and a lot of pain, I became a healthy version of myself. One day, hopefully one day soon, you will be able to read my book about my journey towards health. But anyway... since I have become a Bikram yoga teacher, I have learned so much about my body's needs, about my dietary needs, I have learned more and more about nutrition and food, and I have learned a lot about how the human body works. The human body is an amazing perfect machine that knows what it needs, knows how to take care of itself, but the sad thing is, we have been taught to fight our bodies to listen to a junked up mind and deprive our bodies of the things they need the most. So now, I have to make this clear. Having an eating disorder really has nothing to do with wanting to be thin. Yes, I wanted and I still want to be thin, but a lot more goes into it and to fight an eating disorder you have to work to complete a full healthy life. That requires mental, physical and emotional love, care and health. So in a quick blog, I can not go into what an eating disorder is and what you can do to help heal from one, but I can begin to talk about taking care of your body and falling in love with all of the things you body allows you to do.
Since I have been back from teacher training, I have had a lot of hard days a lot of self doubt, dare I say self hate kinda days, and I have grown from each hard day. I know that these days are important for me right now because, if I am really expecting myself to help others than I really have to figure it out for myself to begin with. I have done a lot of exploring and I have really started to understand.
I know, I know, we all want to lose weight, we all want a perfect body. But here it is. Your body, your healthy happy body, is perfect and your weight..."it's the least interesting part about you" That number flashing between your feet means nothing absolutely nothing if you are taking care of your body and your body's needs. I have come to a conclusion, every time you decide you want to diet, you want to cut something out of your diet, you have to do something way more fun. You have to ADD something to your diet. Something that your body is going to love you for and give back to you for. So many times, we come to the conclusion that the less we eat the happier we will be. We are so wrong. Eating is essential parts of life. So what if we instead of cutting out foods, we did a little research leaned about what foods work well with our bodies, worked well with each other and tried new things in order to lead a healthier life. Like beans, yum, that has been my most recent discovery and can I tell you my palate and belly are pretty happy! When we make healthy decisions, healthy food decisions, healthy life style decisions, our body is happy and gives back. It gives us good days, strength to make it through yoga classes, and spin classes and hikes through the woods. Our healthy body, gives us the energy to laugh with our friends, kiss our boyfriends, dance in the kitchen, go for walks with our pups and enjoy the little things in life. Our health starts with our body. We begin by taking care of our bodies, and then our mind catches up. When our mind and our body work together, that's when the magic really happens.... but that takes works. Lots of time, lots of effort and lots and lots of love.
So in the end, in honor of eating disorder awareness week, I am making a pledge for the week, at least the week and I hope you will join me. I am going to be nice to myself all week long. I'm not going to let myself talk bad about myself , I'm not going to let my mind deprive my body, and I am going to smile more than I frown (not that I frown very often...I have a natural yoga grin at this point) I am going to try something new...hmmm any one have any good recipes?
Much love to you all
Namaste
Molly
that today, February 27, 2012 marks the first day of Eating Disorder Awareness week, when last night as I stepped into the shower I had a rush over me. Now this rush isn't uncommon, the "Oh my god, I hate my body," rush, that sends me into a muscle spasm. My body just tenses up and it's a bit hard for me to breath for a few moments. I'm lucky it can only lasts a few moments, before I'm wrapped up in the arms of the man I love and I remember why I am where I am to begin with.
So I know, it's been a while since I have written, but I felt like today was a good day for me to start again. I've been teaching for a while, almost a year in fact, and I as much as I am enjoying teaching, I am even more enjoying learning more and more about myself. I think to understand what I have learned you have to know a bit of where I am came from.
So hear it is....I struggled with an eating disorder... for a really long time, it was ugly and scary and my best friend all at the same time. In 2007, my body gave up on me and I had to make a change. With some help, a lot of time, a lot of determination, a lot of tears and a lot of pain, I became a healthy version of myself. One day, hopefully one day soon, you will be able to read my book about my journey towards health. But anyway... since I have become a Bikram yoga teacher, I have learned so much about my body's needs, about my dietary needs, I have learned more and more about nutrition and food, and I have learned a lot about how the human body works. The human body is an amazing perfect machine that knows what it needs, knows how to take care of itself, but the sad thing is, we have been taught to fight our bodies to listen to a junked up mind and deprive our bodies of the things they need the most. So now, I have to make this clear. Having an eating disorder really has nothing to do with wanting to be thin. Yes, I wanted and I still want to be thin, but a lot more goes into it and to fight an eating disorder you have to work to complete a full healthy life. That requires mental, physical and emotional love, care and health. So in a quick blog, I can not go into what an eating disorder is and what you can do to help heal from one, but I can begin to talk about taking care of your body and falling in love with all of the things you body allows you to do.
Since I have been back from teacher training, I have had a lot of hard days a lot of self doubt, dare I say self hate kinda days, and I have grown from each hard day. I know that these days are important for me right now because, if I am really expecting myself to help others than I really have to figure it out for myself to begin with. I have done a lot of exploring and I have really started to understand.
I know, I know, we all want to lose weight, we all want a perfect body. But here it is. Your body, your healthy happy body, is perfect and your weight..."it's the least interesting part about you" That number flashing between your feet means nothing absolutely nothing if you are taking care of your body and your body's needs. I have come to a conclusion, every time you decide you want to diet, you want to cut something out of your diet, you have to do something way more fun. You have to ADD something to your diet. Something that your body is going to love you for and give back to you for. So many times, we come to the conclusion that the less we eat the happier we will be. We are so wrong. Eating is essential parts of life. So what if we instead of cutting out foods, we did a little research leaned about what foods work well with our bodies, worked well with each other and tried new things in order to lead a healthier life. Like beans, yum, that has been my most recent discovery and can I tell you my palate and belly are pretty happy! When we make healthy decisions, healthy food decisions, healthy life style decisions, our body is happy and gives back. It gives us good days, strength to make it through yoga classes, and spin classes and hikes through the woods. Our healthy body, gives us the energy to laugh with our friends, kiss our boyfriends, dance in the kitchen, go for walks with our pups and enjoy the little things in life. Our health starts with our body. We begin by taking care of our bodies, and then our mind catches up. When our mind and our body work together, that's when the magic really happens.... but that takes works. Lots of time, lots of effort and lots and lots of love.
So in the end, in honor of eating disorder awareness week, I am making a pledge for the week, at least the week and I hope you will join me. I am going to be nice to myself all week long. I'm not going to let myself talk bad about myself , I'm not going to let my mind deprive my body, and I am going to smile more than I frown (not that I frown very often...I have a natural yoga grin at this point) I am going to try something new...hmmm any one have any good recipes?
Much love to you all
Namaste
Molly
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Working through it....
"Breath through it....work through it..." Sandy's words during her ritualistic Sunday morning class remind us that through it all we must always work through it...breath through it....
We say it in class all the time, you have to touch the pain in order to make the decision, do you back off or do you work through it. It seems contrary but the truth is, pain is a huge part of yoga. During a ninety minute class it is normal to feel. Yes, that's right it is normal to FEEL. We feel tremendous stretching pain, sometimes sharp ouch, don't want to go there pain, sometimes it's emotional pain that is being released during one of those huge hip openers. No matter what it is, the pain we feel as yoga practioners, as humans, is very real....it's what we do with it that matters.
So where have I been. Ummm..in pain, no I kid. I haven't been writing because to be honest I want what I teach to be authentic, I want to practice what I preach, so I had to wrap my head around all the new things in my life, I had to learn from them, I had to open up to them, so that I could share my insights with you as honestly and truly as I feel them.
The past six months have been a whirl wind. I became a yoga teacher, fell into a new pattern of living, I lost my grandfather, I was reminded of the power of family, I got ENGAGED and learned that to be completely open to someone else, to except others as family as equals, as best friends means accepting that you are just as worthy of love. I have had some serious, sciatic, hip, feet and ankle pain, I have cried a fair amount, I have laughed a whole lot more than I have cried, I have felt lonely and I have felt connected in ways that I couldn't dream possible. Oh, and did I mention tired! I can't believe all of this has happened in such a short amount of time. So the question then becomes what happens to the girl who is changing rapidly, finding herself and losing herself at the same time. I think for me I get a bit overwhelmed and it comes out as a self doubt. I end up doubting myself, my decisions, my relationships (thankfully not the one with the man who put the ring on my finger...that man is my rock!) I get overwhelmed and I begin to put my self down. I know I have written about it before but it's the one thing that pops up over and over again and I continue to learn more and more about myself each and every time.
So for the past few months, I have been almost afraid to sit down and write, the same time I write this blog, I am trying to finish up a book I have been working on for quite some time, and Alex keeps reminding me, "babe, why don't you go write today?" "I've got nothing to say" is my answer. The truth is, I didn't feel authentic. I want my words, my work to help others. I want to help other's see the values and the beauty within themselves, but I also want to be able to say I do the same. So I haven't written because I have been having a hard time finding the value and the beauty within myself. But I think that is what makes me authentic, and my words have meaning. Buddha says suffering is part of life. Bikram says his yoga is his torture chamber, in order to truly see ourselves and appreciate the goodness in our lives it is true that we do have to touch the pain. So I've been working through it breathing through it. In the most literal sense, I haven't been able to do Trikonasana for months, my hamstrings and hips have been hurting and I just couldn't get my hips low enough into the posture. I couldn't let myself get hung up on it. Every day I approached the posture with integrity and patience and yesterday, I let go just a little bit, let go of the pain, the fear and bam there it was Triangle. In the more emotional sense. I have been tough on myself, not wanting to accept that bodies change, people change, relationships change but life can grow out of them and it all becomes a journey towards finding that moment of calm. Today, I did not wake up and say to myself "you are beautiful, you are perfect time to go write" I told myself to let go just a little bit. Let go of the fear of becoming someone new. Each day we change right? We can count on that! We can count our breath getting us through the change and then we can accept what is new. Learning to love yourself means accepting that change is inevitable but we can grow with it, learn from it rather than resist it. There is this little poster floating around face book right now it says "Bikram yoga is the first time you start loving yourself, because it's the first time you start seeing yourself" There is so much truth in that. For ninety minutes a day you are faced with the stillness of your mind. Each posture has the power to open you up into seeing your capabilities, possibilities. Of course, for a long time, we see the flaws, but looking past that how can we grow stronger from them. How do our flaws become our capabilities? By working through them, breathing through it, relaxing into it and letting go of the fear.
So today, my yoga is spending the day by myself, in my quiet little house, with my two dogs and my little white mac book. Letting go of the fear that I will not be able to accomplish all of the things in my life that I want, but rather digging deep and finding the strength to take steps towards my goal. In a Yoga class, we do not do yoga, there is no goal, it's just the journey. Each day I am excited to go on my yoga journey, to see what my body is able to do, but the truth is, the real yoga begins outside of the room. We learn how to breath while being stretched to our limits in the room, so that when in the real world, when we are being pulled up, down, left and right, with out a clear answer as where to really go, we know that we will make the best decision for ourselves at that moment, with no regrets or attachments, but rather excitement to see the capabilities of our bodies, minds and spirits.
Namaste...so much love to you all
Molly
We say it in class all the time, you have to touch the pain in order to make the decision, do you back off or do you work through it. It seems contrary but the truth is, pain is a huge part of yoga. During a ninety minute class it is normal to feel. Yes, that's right it is normal to FEEL. We feel tremendous stretching pain, sometimes sharp ouch, don't want to go there pain, sometimes it's emotional pain that is being released during one of those huge hip openers. No matter what it is, the pain we feel as yoga practioners, as humans, is very real....it's what we do with it that matters.
So where have I been. Ummm..in pain, no I kid. I haven't been writing because to be honest I want what I teach to be authentic, I want to practice what I preach, so I had to wrap my head around all the new things in my life, I had to learn from them, I had to open up to them, so that I could share my insights with you as honestly and truly as I feel them.
The past six months have been a whirl wind. I became a yoga teacher, fell into a new pattern of living, I lost my grandfather, I was reminded of the power of family, I got ENGAGED and learned that to be completely open to someone else, to except others as family as equals, as best friends means accepting that you are just as worthy of love. I have had some serious, sciatic, hip, feet and ankle pain, I have cried a fair amount, I have laughed a whole lot more than I have cried, I have felt lonely and I have felt connected in ways that I couldn't dream possible. Oh, and did I mention tired! I can't believe all of this has happened in such a short amount of time. So the question then becomes what happens to the girl who is changing rapidly, finding herself and losing herself at the same time. I think for me I get a bit overwhelmed and it comes out as a self doubt. I end up doubting myself, my decisions, my relationships (thankfully not the one with the man who put the ring on my finger...that man is my rock!) I get overwhelmed and I begin to put my self down. I know I have written about it before but it's the one thing that pops up over and over again and I continue to learn more and more about myself each and every time.
So for the past few months, I have been almost afraid to sit down and write, the same time I write this blog, I am trying to finish up a book I have been working on for quite some time, and Alex keeps reminding me, "babe, why don't you go write today?" "I've got nothing to say" is my answer. The truth is, I didn't feel authentic. I want my words, my work to help others. I want to help other's see the values and the beauty within themselves, but I also want to be able to say I do the same. So I haven't written because I have been having a hard time finding the value and the beauty within myself. But I think that is what makes me authentic, and my words have meaning. Buddha says suffering is part of life. Bikram says his yoga is his torture chamber, in order to truly see ourselves and appreciate the goodness in our lives it is true that we do have to touch the pain. So I've been working through it breathing through it. In the most literal sense, I haven't been able to do Trikonasana for months, my hamstrings and hips have been hurting and I just couldn't get my hips low enough into the posture. I couldn't let myself get hung up on it. Every day I approached the posture with integrity and patience and yesterday, I let go just a little bit, let go of the pain, the fear and bam there it was Triangle. In the more emotional sense. I have been tough on myself, not wanting to accept that bodies change, people change, relationships change but life can grow out of them and it all becomes a journey towards finding that moment of calm. Today, I did not wake up and say to myself "you are beautiful, you are perfect time to go write" I told myself to let go just a little bit. Let go of the fear of becoming someone new. Each day we change right? We can count on that! We can count our breath getting us through the change and then we can accept what is new. Learning to love yourself means accepting that change is inevitable but we can grow with it, learn from it rather than resist it. There is this little poster floating around face book right now it says "Bikram yoga is the first time you start loving yourself, because it's the first time you start seeing yourself" There is so much truth in that. For ninety minutes a day you are faced with the stillness of your mind. Each posture has the power to open you up into seeing your capabilities, possibilities. Of course, for a long time, we see the flaws, but looking past that how can we grow stronger from them. How do our flaws become our capabilities? By working through them, breathing through it, relaxing into it and letting go of the fear.
So today, my yoga is spending the day by myself, in my quiet little house, with my two dogs and my little white mac book. Letting go of the fear that I will not be able to accomplish all of the things in my life that I want, but rather digging deep and finding the strength to take steps towards my goal. In a Yoga class, we do not do yoga, there is no goal, it's just the journey. Each day I am excited to go on my yoga journey, to see what my body is able to do, but the truth is, the real yoga begins outside of the room. We learn how to breath while being stretched to our limits in the room, so that when in the real world, when we are being pulled up, down, left and right, with out a clear answer as where to really go, we know that we will make the best decision for ourselves at that moment, with no regrets or attachments, but rather excitement to see the capabilities of our bodies, minds and spirits.
Namaste...so much love to you all
Molly
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