Tuesday, March 6, 2012

One week down...51 to go...

Hello dedicated readers! Previously on last weeks episode...I mean blog, I wrote about being kind to your self.  I made a promise to myself to be nice for one whole week.  To not deprive myself, to not be mean and to try something new...so hmmm how did I do??? Well... Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday I woke up singing! Declaring to my fiance that waking up singing is the best way to wake up and that "I LOVE today!" And then 5:00 hit, I ran out of gas, I had to get to work and I started being mean, I could feel it creeping in, I tried to avoid it but it came out, I was distracted, I was grumpy and yes, I was weepy. But then something happened...

A woman came into the yoga studio with her 15 year old daughter.  The girl was beautiful, a perfect little fifteen, healthy, young lady.  "Hi, I want to sign my daughter up for your class, will this help her lose some weight, she wants to model and her agent wants her to lose weight here (pointing to her inner thigh) and here ( pointing to her waist)"  My heart sank.

" Well,  this yoga brings you back to normal" was the beginning of my response. "If you are underweight it will bring you up if you are over weight down, if you are healthy it will keep you there" The woman looked at me puzzled. "I can't tell you that this yoga is going to help this young lady lose weight, she looks perfectly beautiful to me."   The mother's eyes glazed over, "Oh, um, well, how long have you been doing this." four years, I started when I got the word from my DR. that I was allowed to do physical activity again. "four years" I said. "Can you stand up?" THE AUDACITY! This woman, wanted me to stand up so she could check me out! My jaw dropped!

" I will not stand up and show you what I look like, the yoga has nothing to do with what I look like.  It is a meditation, a mental discipline it's not about what you look like it's about being healthy, mentally, physically and emotionally"  The woman looked disappointed. "oh....ok...well we'll sign J- up for the intro week then, maybe it will help with her homework...but umm...it's not going to make her bigger right?"

And there it was, my karma, my work coming into my life right at that moment.  Bringing peace, sense of self, health and self worth into peoples lives.  One yoga class at a time... well ok maybe that's a bit much, but really.  This is what I'm doing. I'm working to bring health, self worth and peace into people's lives.  This is my yoga, my karma yoga.

I taught 15 classes last week.  Each class was different, I taught according to the needs of the class.  Some needed some tough love, while others needed a little more kindness a little more stillness each class was taught with love and the intention to make people learn something new about themselves.  That's what it is, that's why we do this yoga to learn about ourselves and to learn to deal with ourselves and to find joy in who we are.  The class that J- took, I taught about health. About the body's ability to give you what you need as long as you take care of it.  I talked about how by taking care of and listening to your body, you begin to be able to understand your mind, and when the two things come together is when we find peace within ourselves.  When we stop fighting.

When I went home, I fell back into my pattern.  I spilled some gas and I started to cry, called my self an idiot and completely forgot my promise to myself.  I woke up the next day and I decided, I can't let one day set me back, I had made a promise, so Friday was going to be a good day and I was going to be kind all day long.  I wonder...can I do this for 365 days, be nice to myself each and every day? What will the out come be?  Will I have more days where I wake  up singing rather than weepy and grumpy? Hmmm....it's worth a try...so how about this? I'm going to try for 365 days to be kind to myself.  To say something nice about me or my world every day, to smile at people, act out of love and continue to feed my soul rather than deprive my body.  I know there will be some ugly moments, there always are, but through yoga we learn to breath through it.

Iyengar says " The mind is the kingdom of the senses and the breath is the kingdom of the breath" If we have control over our breath, something bad happens and we continue to breath, deep breath in, deep breath out, then we have control over our senses.  When we feel, we don't have to react without thinking, we breath through it and choose to not react.  How about that! It's just like we say in class....life is still difficult, we just get more at ease with how difficult it is.  So the next time the gas tank empties, I split a pair of pants, or get another bill, I can choose to breath through it rather than reacting, placing blame and fighting.  365 days, being nice to myself...breathing through it. Who's with me?

Monday, February 27, 2012

Isn't Ironic....

Isn't it ironic...

that today, February 27, 2012 marks the first day of Eating Disorder Awareness week, when last night as I stepped into the shower I had a rush over me.  Now this rush isn't uncommon, the "Oh my god, I hate my body," rush, that sends me into a muscle spasm.  My body just tenses up and it's a bit hard for me to breath for a few moments.  I'm lucky it can only lasts a few moments, before I'm wrapped up in the arms of the man I love and I remember why I am where I am to begin with.

So I know, it's been a while since I have written, but I felt like today was a good day for me to start again.   I've been teaching for a while, almost a year in fact, and I as much as I am enjoying teaching, I am even more enjoying learning more and more about myself.  I think to understand what I have learned you have to know a bit of where I am came from.

So hear it is....I struggled with an eating disorder... for a really long time, it was ugly and scary and my best friend all at the same time.  In 2007, my body gave up on me and I had to make a change.  With some help, a lot of time, a lot of determination, a lot of tears and a lot of pain, I became a healthy version of myself.  One day, hopefully one day soon, you will be able to read my book about my journey towards health.  But anyway... since I have become a Bikram yoga teacher, I have learned so much about my body's needs, about my dietary needs, I have learned more and more about nutrition and food, and I have learned a lot about how the human body works.  The human body is an amazing perfect machine that knows what it needs, knows how to take care of itself, but the sad thing is, we have been taught to fight our bodies to listen to a junked up mind and deprive our bodies of the things they need the most.  So now, I have to make this clear.  Having an eating disorder really has nothing to do with wanting to be thin.  Yes, I wanted and I still want to be thin, but a lot more goes into it and to fight an eating disorder you have to work to complete a full healthy life.  That requires mental, physical and emotional love, care and health.  So in a quick blog, I can not go into what an eating disorder is and what you can do to help heal from one, but I can begin to talk about taking care of your body and falling in love with all of the things you body allows you to do.

Since I have been back from teacher training, I have had a lot of hard days a lot of self doubt, dare I say self hate kinda days, and I have grown from each hard day.  I know that these days are important for me right now because, if I am really expecting myself to help others than I really have to figure it out for myself to begin with.  I have done a lot of exploring and I have really started to understand.

I know, I know, we all want to lose weight, we all want a perfect body. But here it is.  Your body, your healthy happy body, is perfect and your weight..."it's the least interesting part about you"  That number flashing between your feet means nothing absolutely nothing if you are taking care of your body and your body's needs.  I have come to a conclusion, every time you decide you want to diet, you want to cut something out of your diet, you have to do something way more fun.  You have to ADD something to your diet.  Something that your body is going to love you for and give back to you for.  So many times, we come to the conclusion that the less we eat the happier we will be. We are so wrong.  Eating is essential parts of life.  So what if we instead of cutting out foods, we did a little research leaned about what foods work well with our bodies, worked well with each other and tried new things in order to lead a healthier life. Like beans, yum, that has been my most recent discovery and can I tell you my palate and belly are pretty happy!  When we make healthy decisions, healthy food decisions, healthy life style decisions, our body is happy and gives back.  It gives us good days, strength to make it through yoga classes, and spin classes and hikes through the woods.  Our healthy body, gives us the energy to laugh with our friends, kiss our boyfriends, dance in the kitchen, go for walks with our pups and enjoy the little things in life.  Our health starts with our body.  We begin by taking care of our bodies, and then our mind catches up.  When our mind and our body work together, that's when the magic really happens.... but that takes works.  Lots of time, lots of effort and lots and lots of love.

So in the end, in honor of eating disorder awareness week, I am making a pledge for the week, at least the week and I hope you will join me.  I am going to be nice to myself all week long.  I'm not going to let myself talk bad about myself , I'm not going to let my mind deprive my body, and I am going to smile more than I frown (not that I frown very often...I have a natural yoga grin at this point) I am going to try something new...hmmm any one have any good recipes?

Much love to you all

Namaste
Molly