Monday, February 25, 2013

Longest Spine Twist....a warning I may or may not drop the F bomb

The second day of Teacher Training Jim Kallet taught.  Jim had been introduced to us on the first day, he helps with the writing of Bikram's books, he gives lectures during training, he owns a notoriously hot yoga studio in San Diego and he has a surprising tattoo that runs up and down the entire backside of his body.  Jim taught on the second day of training and I loved his class.  He was knowledgable, he was funny, he was hard and he got me through my third class. Every time he did, I was excited to see him take the podium, because at teacher training you never knew what you were going to get, and you only hoped it was going to be someone to get you through.

Then week 6 happened, this is the middle of training, your body is exhausted your mind is full and there is not much left of you that doesn't hurt.  Not to mention you haven't slept in 6 weeks. Jim Kallet took the podium once again.  Now as much as I loved this guy, the man could talk...and talk...and talk...and this day, this class, Jim had a lot to say.  It was a hot class.  I was in row 10, standing dead center, in front of the heater, behind 500 other sweating yogis.  This was the class where I died.  You know what I'm talking about, your breathing becomes difficult in Pranayama, your heart starts racing as soon as you put your arms above your head and you think to your self, "shit, I have 85 more minutes of this"  I never left the room at training, and after the first day, I never sat out another pose,  this class tested me on every level.  Physically, I had to stay on my feet, mentally, I had to stay with my breath and emotionally, I had to do everything I could not to burst into tears.  But hey man, if I can survive a class like this, what can't I survive.  I remember getting to Spine Twist.  The final posture of our 26 and 2.  Jim was going on and on and on, probably about the benefits or maybe something a little bit deeper, I'm not sure cause my mind was a skipping CD " Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up, please God shut the fuck up" I needed to get out of the room and I needed this man, whom I had grown to love deeply to simply shut the fuck up!  The pose seemed to go on forever and as much as I pleaded, Jim kept on going.

This is the final week of pregnancy, you have spent 9 months (not so different from 90 minutes in a hot room or 9 weeks at teacher training, see a pattern)  waiting, falling in love, learning about all of the things your body is capable of doing.  You have spent 9 months accepting all of things you can't control, how your body feels on a given day, the aches, the pains, the hard days, the amazing days, the days when you can't stop crying and the days you feel like super man.  You have fallen in love with that little peanut on the inside but during week 40 your skipping cd of a mind has one thought "come the fuck out, come the fuck out, please God come the fuck out!"  Don't get me wrong, I love this little guy and I will host him for as long as he wants to live on the inside and I will take good good care of him, but that is not to say that the waiting for labor is not absolute torture.  It is the world's longest Spine Twist.  You have done every thing, you have gotten over all of the humps and the hard moments and you are ready to enjoy that big, scrumptious glass of Red Wine, I mean water...after yoga you drink water!  So what can you do? What do you do in class, when the end is near, you can feel the fresh air that is pressing in from the outside, but the teacher just won't stop teaching, what can you possibly do?

Well, my friend, that is why we do the yoga.  That is why we have long, hard, hot classes that test us in every possible way.  So that when you are nine months pregnant, your bladder is constantly full, the cramps on your inner thighs make it difficult to do all the walking every one reminds you you should be doing, you remember that every moment you are in the room, all ninety minutes of hard work only make the other 22 and 1/2 hours you have outside of the room better.  Each moment you spend suffering in the hot room is another moment you get to enjoy of life on the outside.  So as I sit here, only one day late, which means I could quite possibly have 9 more days as a pregnant woman, I have to remember that what I'm doing here is great.  That this hard hard work ends with an amazing reward, a perfect little baby boy.  Every moment he has on the inside is another chance to make him stronger for life on the outside!   So patience my friends.  Yoga is a practice in patience.  You know it is, you hear it all the time Patience, Self-control, Concentration, Faith, and Determination.  In the mean time, as I wait and wait and wait, it is another day I get to go take a yoga class, another day I get to eat a brownie with out too much guilt and another day that I make my little man a little bit stronger, with just a bit of patience! But with that in mind, let's say it together "please come the fuck out!!!!"

Namaste and Much love to you all,

M & M ( we are still one)

Oh and don't forget that this week is National Eating Disorder week. Try going a day with out make up, I know I probably won't, but if you feel up to it, try it and embrace your natural beauty.  Say something kind to yourself and do something extra special to show your self just how amazing you really are.  I know what you could do!  Go take a yoga class!!! There is nothing better you can do for yourself!!!!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

February 24....

Did you know that February 24 is the start of National Eating Disorder week this year.  I didn't until just a few minutes ago, Facebook told me. Thank goodness for Facebook... Anyway, I had this subtle rush come over me as I read that this year on February 24, the Nation will kick off a week to acknowledge the struggle people have with this addiction, where ever it might come from.  I felt empowered.  Why you ask?  Well, February 24 is my due date, which is a pretty amazing in and of it self, but for me, the culmination of my pregnancy is not just about how my life is about to change, but it also marks how far my life has come in just a few short years.

Flash back 5 years ago, before yoga, before Alex, before pizza.  I am sitting in a therapist office, most likely running down a list of reasons why I can't agree to my nutritionist's challenge to eat a slice of pizza before the week is out.  I'm probably going over and over why eating as little as I do just works for me and how being a healthy version of myself scares me just as much as being a fat version of myself.  My therapist plays this card a lot, "you want children one day don't you?" she knows, that my whole life, it is what I've wanted to be a "soccer mom, with a mini van"  "yes of course I want babies, lots of them, but I don't think it's going to happen for me anyway"  My therapist, let's call her Anastasia for today, stresses to me that only a healthy woman will be able to give life to a new baby.  Anastasia explains that every time I want to use my symptoms, every time I want to go back to my old ways, stop eating, let my self become invisible again I need to imagine my child.  This got me.  I wanted to be a good mom to that unborn baby and I could only be a good mom to someone else when I started to be a good person to myself.  So, I didn't eat the pizza, but I did work really hard to sort myself out and fight against all of my demons, all the voices that told me I wasn't worthy enough to be healthy and I found a path to health.

My path was a long one, windy, difficult and included a lot of talks with my nutritionist, aka my Jewish mamma, and Anastasia, and a LOT of yoga! A whole lot of yoga.  My health and my life became a bit more complete when I met Alex.  I fell in love with him and the way that he loved me and I wanted to be a better person for him.  He inspired me to find a passion and give up comforts of easy life to follow dreams.  My dreams happened to take me into the hot room over and over again which in return helps me to stay healthy.

So anyway, flash forward to this moment, right now.  I just got home from teaching a class, such a great class, a quiet class with seven strong yogis, I'm sitting on my couch sandwiched between my two pups and have my laptop resting against my tremendous bump.  I'm a healthy, fat version of myself, but I have to be honest with you.  I love the kind of fat I am today.  I've got a baby inside of me, I am a healthy woman who has been able to carry this baby for 39 weeks and in just a few more days I will welcome my baby boy into my world.  So on February 24 I will celebrate the birth of my baby boy, and to be honest with you, that is probably all I will be thinking about, but today, as I look forward to that day I will celebrate all the people that have made me a strong person today, I will celebrate my self, for having the courage to face myself, to face my fears and conquer them.  I will celebrate the love that I have that has inspired me to continue to be better and I will celebrate all of the people out there struggling really hard to figure it all out, to overcome there own addictions and fears especially those with eating disorders.  It's a tough one, a really hard thing to overcome, and I'm not sure if we ever really completely do, but I do know life outside of the eating disorder is really good.  Life is good, and when you can find the good, it can only get better!

So if you think of it, on February 24 do something kind for yourself, in honor of National Eating Disorder week.  Spend a moment to find something you love about yourself and acknowledge it.  Remember your body is this perfectly amazing machine ( I say this in my yoga class all the time, if you want to hear it...COME TAKE A CLASS) your body knows what to do, stop fighting it and let it do it's job.  Become the best version of yourself!

Oh and keep me and my baby boy in your thoughts, our bags are packed and I am ready to go!  Can't wait to see his little face!!!!

Much Love to you,
Namaste
Molly